Building Self Esteem
There have been hundreds of self- help books on poor self esteem,how to build self esteem and what is self esteem. I am sad to say that some of these are money hungry authors actually preying on those that feel bad about them selves and are searching for any source to help them. Many articles I have perused over the Internet discuss self esteem destruction coming from the job site, poor marriage, or a current event that is destructive. Yes those issues can be a contributor to one feeling bad about themselves; however they ARE NOT the foundation of the poor self esteem.
When one builds a house and finds a crack in the wall a few months later, they may quickly blame the plastering job or the dry wall integrity. How about looking at the foundation? A new house needs to settle. Maybe the land has a soft soil content, the foundation is not solid. A poor self esteem in the vast majority of cases stems from our youth. It is the outgrowth of lack of parental support, condescending statements, abuse or any early trauma during our developmental years. These are the years that as children we are solidifying who we are. We are slowly building our strengths and need reassurance from our role models, parents, and extended family to mold who we are. It is through trial and error that we improve, learn, and grow into a confident human being. When these foundations do not occur we start seeing cracks in our own wall an adult. They may take the form of arrogance not confidence, diminished feeling of self, indecisiveness, narcissism,and skewed values about life in general. Learned helplessness is a feeling of no escape after repeatedly being verbally abused, or put in a no win situation where one is perceived wrong no matter what response they give. Many studies have been implemented with dogs and learned helplessness. The study was cruel , however the results dramatic. A cage was developed with a partition between two sides. Both sides were rigged to shock the dog with electricity and allow the dog to jump to the other side. After some time when the dog realized it could not escape there was no safe harbor on either side of the partition it just laid down and accepted the shock. As humans we all too often may find ourselves in situations where we are in the same cage. We DO have the ability to escape, we DO have the ability to elicit change. The choices may be difficult. Others may get hurt, but we can save ourselves and begin to find who we are.
So how do we build self esteem ? That elusive over used word that flocks people to book stores and increases ratings on talk shows.
1. Accept the fact it is a life long journey that you can make fun.
2. Realize it probably took years for those cracks to develop in your walls, and it will take a while to begin to fill them up.
3. Be patient. Persevere through mistakes and continue to move forward.
4. RISK. Try new experiences.
5. YOU MUST REALIZE, your self image issues are an outgrowth of others trying to diminish you with or without intent. The feelings are borderline delusional. They are not about your TRUE self.
6.In this process, this life trek you must find HUMILITY. Humility equals wisdom. Ask questions. Listen learn. We, for the most part talk way too much. We can learn so much not just from people,but from nature. Tune in your senses to your environment.
7.Let go of your jealousy, and blaming of others. These feelings will eat you up alive. They will smolder and grow into hate and will serve no purpose except elicit the dark side of your personality.
8.Write down your positive traits. If you can, ask a close friend to help you with them. Positive affirmations will help,however just reading them is worthless. It will take time to integrate them into your soul.
9.Allow yourself to FAIL. The best way to improve your self esteem is to fail. Ok, right now you may be saying to yourself, this guy has lost his mind. Stop. Before you judge me, remember through your failures comes learning.Through learning comes risking again with a more positive outcome. With positive outcomes, you begin to believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself you improve your self esteem!
10. Re frame the negative that you perceive or worry about. There is a silver lining in ALL negative events. From the death of a loved one, the ugly divorce, the ill child, and even in the severe dysfunctional family. My abuse has improved my ability to see life differently and have the strength to move on a new path. Re framing takes practice and work. This self esteem issue is not an easy path. All improvements in life worth changing take hard work. YOU ARE WORTH IT !!
A pet well loved, respected, fed, with an appropriate amount of exercise runs and romps through the field. One can feel the joy and happiness while the dog waits for its owner. A good dog owner appreciates the animal for it’s gift to us and life. All of us need the same positive reinforcement from our loved ones. If we do not get it is up to us to work hard and move forward. This article, nor fifty self help books will get the job done. Risk,play, laugh, make mistakes, and risk again. The positive attributes were always there, they just need to be nourished a little.
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