Advice for Spouses whose Partner has been Sexually Abused

When we are in love and realize our partner has skeletons from the past, it can be difficult to accept. In order for a relationship to flourish there needs to be total acceptance and support of their feelings. This does not mean turn a blind eye towards issues that impact the relationship. In all relationships there are three distinct entities. Each other, and the relationship. All three need to be looked at and both parties need to commit to working hard at issues that surface from time to time.

A sexually abused spouse can present with angry outbursts,depression, not feeling loved, distancing and lack of affection. A spouse may quickly feel as if they have done something wrong, and they are to blame. Honest, open disclosure in important if there is to be any hope of resolution.

Should the victim of abuse in the relationship seek therapy, this would be the first step in standing by their side. Both can learn communication styles and effective means of support. There can be side issues: substance abuse,affairs and alcoholism all can be an outgrowth of being abused. Eventually the abused spouse MUST take responsibility and realize how this impacts the relationship. The spouse not abused has to be carefull not to be co-dependent and indirectly support their pathological behavior. Should a spouse stay in an abusive relationship for years, this can be demoralizing and lead to depression. When reluctance for treatment continues, and there is no behavioral change over years someone needs to wake up. The spouse needs to “GET BIG” in order to make a life changing decision.

Working on relationships that are healthy and loving is hard work. Imagine if the relationship has an abused spouse who will not seek treatment and refuse to acknowledge their difficulties. This is a recipe for destruction.

Life is about living,laughing and loving each day. When one finds a true partner that also shares the same values and goals, it all comes together in unison. This is achievable in all relationships, but BOTH individuals must commit to work on their dance of life. They need to realize that true friendship and love is more powerful than any horrific trauma. There are rainbows after many thunderstorms, however we need to open up our eyes and really look, really see it was there all along.

How the book, Above His Shoulders will help?

In the book, I specifically address  my need to please others and not understanding the difference between pleasing someone for selfish gain and giving due to true love. The reader will clearly see the difference and how being in a relationship with contingencies is NOT love. This ugly syndrome can stop, but it takes recognition and time.

Become a fan on facebook. See the photographs of the actual oak tree and the authors home, as well as a sneak peak at the new book. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Above-His-Shoulders/274131107309?ref=nf