Fear of Loss

During an Autumn day deep in the woods of the Midwest I was on my first  deer hunting journey with my father. The trek into the woods was before sunrise, limbs hitting our faces, cold wind seeking out the openings of our coat. I would sit in a deer stand looking for unsuspected deer winding through the barren deciduous trees looking for fallen acorns. As my Dad slowly walked away, his body was getting smaller and smaller as he disappeared from sight. My heart began to race, my palms were perspiring in the  twenty-eight degree temperature. I was about to have my first panic attack due to fear that my father would not come back. What if he died ? what if he could not find me? My anxiety became levelled to an all time high, I began to cry and knew i had to get out of the stand. The fear was overwhelming. I ended  up shooting in the air, knowing he would come back when he heard the shots. He did just that. I lied and made up a deer story, I had to. I could not tell him his son was scared of losing him.

Children of abuse fear loss. Intense indescribable fear of losing those they love. It is irrational and puts a great deal of stress on others. Never the less it is very real and can be debilitating. Imagine being left with a perpetrator, unannounced to your family. Your support, love and strength leaves you. That fear can carry with you for many many years.

When one finds love, real unconditional love that fear raises it’s ugly head again. Fear of losing that person, fear that you are not lovable. Why should this person love me? All the insecurities are tied into the loss that was previously experienced as well as one’s terrible self esteem. We also do wonderful behaviors as question their love, question their honesty, and the pathology continues. It takes a strong partner to deal with these bags of psychic trash from the past.

I am not referring to fear of death, fear of the loss of a job but an irrational fear of the loss of love, the loss of something, someone that you deserve, but are afraid it will be taken away. This is a very common reaction from adult survivors of abuse. Now that I have outlined the underpinnings, how do we resolve this curse?

This dilemma continues to haunt me to this day. I only experience this when I encounter fear of losing my children or more recently a very dear loved one who has given me one hundred percent of unconditional love. That is the red flag, to warn one that it is happening. That red flag is when you have the panic attack, the fear then the emotions must be true must be intense and must be real. If you did not care the panic would not take place.

In my experience , this can not be done alone. Your partner must stand with you by your side give you some reassurance but not succumb to your own irrational behavior. At some point realize you are and can be loved , you are worthy of another persons love and you must accept that. Easier said than done. It takes trial and error and consistency.

Realize where the foundation of your fear comes from. It comes from the haunting of your past and is not based in reality. Stop looking for the negative symptoms of your own personality. Realize your partner has good judgement, he or she found positive traits in you.

Fear of loss is practically always based in some deep seated pathology. It can and will spill out onto others and can be damaging to the relationship. Wake up address it. Ask for reassurance. This can be resolvable, however it will not happen overnight. It still raises its ugly head for me and I have been working on it for years.

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