Codependency and the Sexually Abused Spouse

Support, love, caring for a loved one can be confused with enabling and codependency. Codependency has become an overly used word in the Western hemisphere. At some point we need to stand up for ourselves, move down a path of health and look at our behavior as well as our goals. Any spouse who has gone through life trauma can pull behavior and reactions from a spouse. Sexual abuse, rape, alcoholism, narcissistic personalities all have the ability to tap into our need to fix and take care of. There are some situations where the spouse in question can be very manipulative, feel deserving of their wants, and will actually play the victim role to a “TEE.” When this occurs it is time for immediate therapy and a focus on the issue at hand.

Remember all life trauma and their effects occur on a continuum, with degrees of severity. There are not single solutions, and there are no panaceas for a one hundred percent cure. As a spouse on the receiving end of being either isolated, experiencing lack of intimacy, or intense angry outbursts you must be aware of the differences between caring for the loved one, becoming a doormat and enabling the behavior. Enabling the behavior is making excuses, never disclosing the behavior to close peers, rationalizing away the extreme, and you taking it on the chin suffering over time. Spouse who have experienced this feel very lonely inside the home. The abused spouse can be just feet away and yet you will not feel as if they are there with you. Loneliness with your best friend is an isolated experience. Here is the rub. The identified patient is the sexually abused adult who needs treatment, and self confidence and not play the poor me card. If the other spouse complains, focuses on their issues they are looked upon as uncaring. Frequently they over compensate by trying to take on too much.

The spouse of the sexually abused frequently is overlooked by professionals, and can easily fall into a depression, for their own issues are very real, and the miss the one they fell in love with. So how do we get the other spouse into treatment when they do not want to go. It can be difficult, and one needs to recognize that anger, begging and force will not do it and cause more problens and flashbacks for the identified patient.

The spouse needs to be empowered, and at the very least supported up to a point. One cannot go on for years in a relationship where one refuses to help themselves. This will end up being destructive for the entire family.

Seek out a good therapist trained in life trauma.

Realize you may have to go it alone for awhile. Role model the importance of seeking therapy, and humility.

All of us handle crisis in different ways. There is not one correct way to deal with a particular issue.

Try to not be condescending, or hurtful.

Do not fall prey to your spouse refusing treatment, at some point they need to move on in their life. One can only wallow in depression for so long.

Be aware of self medicating through alcohol, and other prescription and non-prescription medication.

There is hope! It will not be resolved in a few months, be prepared for the longevity.

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