Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote, ” No one can make you feel inferior without your consent ” is accurate, yet difficult to implement.  Our past has many haunts, that at times make themselves known to us, as well as our loving relationships.  Hurt, can be caused by: 1. Allowing yourself to be wounded.  2.  Not being in touch with the true foundation of that hurt.  3.  Not understanding the source, that one is not actually trying to hurt you.

On the other side of the situation.  The one who may feel they are causing the hurt needs to realize their responsibility is either non existent or or non intentional.  So in reality, is emotional hurt a real entity? Absolutely !  As a child we are not equipped to deal with the hurt and emotional responsibility. We have few life tools as a child to deal with this pain.  As an adult emotional hurt can be alleviated.  One must have a strong self esteem, realize that others who love you do NOT intentionally hurt you, and hurt feelings usually dredge up past skeletons from our closet of life.

Practice,when you feel you are hurt.  Ask yourself, where are the feelings truly coming from? Did the person truly mean ill will toward you? Highly unlikely.  Once we learn these patterns, once we realize we do not have to give others permisson to hurt us, it is then we move forward quickly in a wonderful loving relationship. We can move past distorted feelings of resentment, anger, and fear which are all attatched to hurt.

The haunts of our past are just that. Haunts and skeletons of our past can distort our current perceptions and cause a barrage of ugly feelings that are NOT warranted. Get in touch with your past, for it will help you with the present. You will move forward in your relationships in a stronger more loving fasion than you ever realized could exist.

Victims of abuse that harbor their wounds in silence, have a tendency to lose sight of their attributes. Many adult survivors have not disclosed and have not worked through their pain, allowing it to either encompass their personality or take control over their attributes they have accomplished.

As in the “Wizard of Oz,” the scarecrow without a brain, the tin man without a heart, and the lion without courage always had these gifts within them. It was portrayed so eloquently in their mannerisms, speech, and inflection of their voice.

In reality, no perpetrator has ever stole one’s intelligence,courage, or heart away from them. Yes, it scars, yes, it hurts emotionally, however, these attributes are always there. They may need to be fostered and nurtured, nevertheless they have never left you.

Dorothy always had the ability to go home. Symbolically, her beautiful ruby slippers were the answer. We ALL have the ability to go back to a home of health and strength. Going home to a state of health is simple, the process and desire is the difficult part. .

Life can be as difficult or easy as one wants to make it. Literally is up to us. We all have courage, a heart, and a brain. We must keep them in balance and realize, NO ONE can take these away from us.

“Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly…” That rainbow is always right there above us. Step out of your old shoes of trauma and try on a pair of ruby slippers, go back home to a healthier you. There’s no place like home, especially when that home is a healing heart and soul.

The lingering effects of abuse never completely resolve. Bits and pieces rear their ugly head from time to time. Feelings of insecurity will come to the forefront, such as insecurity in relationships, in the bedroom, as well as feelings of not being accepted.

The key is recognizing these symptoms when they present themselves. Intense self awareness is crucial WITHOUT pointing the finger outward. In an ideal situation, if one is lucky enough to find a partner who is all accepting and has an attentive ear, one will have a partner to lean on.

For all those survivors, male, and female. This is NOT a hopeless situation. At some point, one must see the positive, the positive outcome, ” The Wonderful Life” syndrome, where all incidents are connected by a karmic thread.

If my abuse had not happened, my self exploration would not have occurred, this book would not have been written, friends, and loved ones would not have been met. My path has been altered many times for the good. I have dear friends that are all accepting of my personality and wrap their love around me. I am grateful for those individuals and future ones that will enter my path of life. There are always those who will judge, draw accusations, and cause one to ponder their feelings of self-worth and insecurity. A choice has been given to you. You may move on without them, knowing there will be feelings of pain and loss, or reach out with forgiveness. It is a two-way street, you can not force someone to walk your walk.

I am finally learning to accept love, true love. I am coming down from my fences. It is beneficial to trust and allow yourself to be loved. The outgrowth is feeling more and more secure. To not be rejected with disclosure of insecurity and frailties is an amazing experience.

Continue to try! Dump the term “VICTIM,” for at some point you will find out you are indeed NOT a victim, but a HERO, a hero to yourself and others. Please remember a hero is one who risks their life, their soul, and their heart for another. You can be a hero for yourself, but you must risk if there will ever be a positive change.

Since writing my book, I suppose the most commonly asked question is, Why? Why disclose my history of abuse?  After years of working through the feelings of shame, anger, depression, and anxiety, I felt I could give something back, give something to others who have walked in my shoes. All of us in life are dealt situations that we may not want or that we are not ready for. Whether this is abuse, death of a loved one, economic crisis, divorce, or any one of life’s stressors. We always have a choice how we deal with these experiences. Do we sit back and complain pointing fingers outward, become depressed and frozen, not enjoying life’s daily gifts, or do we confront our issues head on and move through? It took me years to move through it and I am thankful I did. It took perserverance, asking for help,and support from friends, family, and a love of life.

When we try and try, especially in relationships, and the outcome continues to be the same, at some point we need to move on. Life is short. There is too much to experience and too many people that each of us can make an impact on.

By disclosing our traumas of the past and what we have learned, we can give back to those that have had similar experiences. This is true in politics, war, sports,and relationships. How does one ever grow personally and professionally if they do not embrace humility and give back to someone else?

So disclosure for me has been good. It has enlightened me that a new path is beginning and just maybe I can touch someone else’s heart, helping them through a traumatic experience.

Fear is an amazing force that can paralyze an individual,cause expression of anger, defensiveness, depression,tears,and freezing one into complete isolation.

I could spend paragraphs on the roots of fear;however, this would defeat the purpose of this blog. Psychologists and therapists are supposed to be proficient at identifying causes. The challenge is moving forward,recognizing and implementing change.

When one feels hurt, threatened, or attacked, fear is frequently translated into an expression of anger or immobilization. For myself, I needed a goal, a focus to change my behavior. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt a loved one. That is enough motivation for me to express my fear and not translate it into anger. I will not be on top of my game plan one hundred percent, but progress has been clearly made over the years. Others may need to find their own motivation to move through their fear. One could be stuck in a dying relationship, fear of competition, fear of expressing love, or fear of commitment.

Fear can freeze an athlete at the plate, striking out when the pressure is on. It can be a paralyzing force stopping individuals from moving forward. To overcome ONE MUST CONFRONT THEIR FEAR HEAD ON. Acknowledge it and risk. Expect failure, failure is an awesome experience. That is how one learns. Many times we fail, inducing fear and then the cycle continues, giving a false reaffirmation that we should not try. God only know I have failed many times and will continue to make errors. I am thankful I have support from a loved one that points these errors out to me. Strength is a process, that comes with growth and new experiences. Keep you eye on the horizon, and your face into the wind. Enjoy the success and learn from the failures. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF FEAR, IT IS YOUR MOTIVATOR.

Recently I received a blind attack by an individual that had met me only once for about forty five minutes. The attack was unsolicited and the attack reminded me of past verbal assaults. This person ran my character down, cursed, and veiled threats were made. All reminders of my past. She did not know my intent, my soul, my heart, she drew assumptions and did her best to bring me down. I suppose if this would of occurred years ago I might of yelled back, felt wounded, and become transiently depressed. Instead I thought how sad, she never gave me a chance, I thought of how lucky I am, how much love I have recently found, and sincerity, true genuine kindness. There is an old fable that is important for this interaction:

Two Wolves inside all of us

One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ” My son, there is a battle each day between two wolves inside us all.

One is evil. It is anger, envy, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, blame, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, faith in the spirit, faith in yourself, and faith in others.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ” Which wolf wins”

The old Cherokee simply replied, ” The one you feed.”

–anonymous

I was pleased at my response. I too have seen my growth over the years. This individual may of been jealous, angry, and needed to be hurtful due to her own insecurity. In the end it does not really matter. I will look hard to see her positives, I have seen her smile , her wit and humor. I know there is goodness there, it just needs to be cultivated and fed. It will do no good to confront, or to bring up the past. The present and the future is what is important. A dear friend has drilled this into my cerebral hemispheres, she is correct. Not to say that in order to move forward one must never look at the past, one has to locate the problem before the repair begins. Feed the good wolf, allow it to grow, pointing fingers will only feed the angry jealous wolf and one will be encompassed with sadness and despair. Give back to others attempt to forgive and embrace those that hurt us, you might be surprised, you know they will be.

Dan Williams

Victims of abuse frequently keep their emotions locked in a box or safe within their heart. This is a common phenomenon with rape victims, and individuals who are either not allowed to express their feelings due to verbal repercussions, or not being validated by someone in their life.

My experience has taught me there is really only one way to push through this attack on our self esteem. Risk, risk, risk, find someone you trust, disclose, share. When one is truly loved and accepted it is a win-win situation, allowing one to slowly grow and emotionally “GET BIG.”

When we look back at the past hurt we can view that as fertilizer, the feces of our past, if you will. We can use that for our emotional garden. Hurt, pain and despair are the fertilizer, the substance that is needed for our emotional spirit to grow strong. We must be able to plant the seeds, for if we do not, we look back on a barren garden with no growth and get stuck in a wishing phase.

As a warm fire mesmerizes us and stimulates dreams of the future, we are aware that the hot coals can burn us, causing pain. When these burning embers, the remnants of the strong oak logs cool, their ash makes an excellent fertilizer for our garden. An ember that once could of caused pain can be used to stimulate growth.

A dear friend of mine is beginning to grow. It is an awesome sight to see her get in touch with the hurt of the past, move through it and “GET BIG.” I see her getting stronger. At times she does not realize it;however, it is happening. She is trusting more and more. It is by disclosure and risk that she is growing.

Any past trauma can be fodder for our growth. Unlock the box or safe that has been tucked away. Plant some seeds in that fertilizer of despair and hurt. Risk, watch the growth begin. It needs to be watered and nurtured. There may be some rough times. I assure you, it will be worth the risk. New horizons are just around the corner.

Why do we walk this earth? I am not looking for religious or spiritual foundations, I am looking for a purpose! A Goal! Should we sit in our dwellings and never risk for fear of injury,emotional or physical?  Or should we explore, meet others and drink up life itself ?

We watch over our children like young saplings. We water them, prune them and hope they grow straight and strong. At some point we need to let them go, allowing the sun to guide them straight and strong as they follow their path. They will weather a few storms, break a few branches; however, in the end be stronger.

Do we trust too much? Should we not be more cynical of other humans as we might be able to protect our children. The Canada Goose has sentinels watching over their young as well as their life long mates; however, they may still fall prey to the eagle or the hawk.

A balance of trust, and allowing our children to fall and make mistakes is imperative in life, yet difficult. For we must harness our love allowing their own growth.

In the end we must risk, we must give back to others. Thoreau states, “Philanthropy is greatly overrated and it is our selfishness that overrates it.” I agree, by giving back one must give not looking for a response, it should be done from the soul. In a perfect scenario one should actually walk in the shoes of the poor for he will walk away wiser and understand the poor may actually be wealthy in their own heart.

Above His Shoulders, is my risk, my disclosure, an expression in hope that others who have walked in my shoes may find peace. Life trauma may give someone a different outlook on life. A life trauma does not have to crush one’s soul for an eternity. Weather the storm, risk, follow the sun for it will warm your heart and you will be glad you did.

Numerous times I have been alone, in the woods or on a lake, always away from humans. Loneliness, the feeling of aloneness, one without companionship. This is much different than the intolerance of loneliness a feeling where individuals cannot live with themselves.

Loneliness TRUE loneliness appears to only be an outgrowth when one misses their TRUE LOVE. When one finally walks the path of life and experiences true unconditional love, then one will know the true pains of being alone, and the absence of their lovers heart.

Many poets have written about memories of love, the muse of love, as well as the loss of love. I also have experienced this pain, it is new to me as I struggle through it. I know someday I will no longer be alone and two hearts will beat as one.As my past history of abuse strengthened my courage to face my perpetrator, this temporary loss will strengthen my heart, allowing me to give more and fully accept that TRUE LOVE, which from out of no where touched my spirit and gave me hope.